Facing Myself

I finally figured out something about myself that I've never thought of before. I was up all night trying to put my thumb on it, but it finally came to me this morning. I kept looking in the mirror hoping that the longer I looked in the more I would be able to find 'me'. After countless minutes of looking at my reflection I discovered the reason why I've been so insecure: fear. Fear of being accepted, fear of making a fool out of myself, fear that I will offend someone, and fear that I won't like who I am. It's never come so clear to me before now. I was surprised at my reasoning because for years I've lived off the excuse that I'm shy and I accepted that.

Over the years I've wanted to be known as something more than just "the quiet one" of the pack. I've wanted to be confident and fun to be around and satisfied with who I am. For as long as I can remember that goal has always been in mind, but the execution of it has been rough. Beauty pageants never helped to build my self esteem because in the end I would be disappointed in myself. It felt like my best effort just wasn't enough and anything that went wrong afterward I blamed on myself for what happened. The mirror became my worst enemy. I wasn't happy with the reflection I saw. A song by Cherie Call describes how her true self has been dying to come out of the shadows but something inside is stopping her. The lyrics describe exactly how I have felt.



Restless Soul(Cherie Call/Alexander Jenkins)


I think it's time to look inside myself

In truth I think I'm scared of what I'll see

Facing this discrepancy of what I am

And what I want to be

Staring at the mirror with this heartless gaze

I can read between the lines

That go along the forehead of this anxious face

That isn't even mine


chorus

Oh, my restless soul

Trying hard to take control

Worn out from standing still

Knowing what I am and hoping that I can find

A way to make it real

I think it's time to look inside my heart

To face the insecurities I hide

Still it seems so hard to struggle past the gates

That are guarded by my pride

Looking at the self that no one else can see

Maybe it was better to be blind

But the mirror in my hand is seen with different eyes

Reflecting only truth within my mind
(repeat chorus)

What it all comes down to is that I want to like myself for who I am. Its fear that has kept me from showing who I really am. I hope that I can learn to love and accept myself no matter what everyone else thinks of me.